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Intentional Dialogue Exercise: The Steps
According to marriage therapist Dr. Harville Hendrix, there are three basic steps to achieving healthy communication, plus an extra "gift" that will really strengthen your dialogue. Learn the crucial communication technique that helps couples move beyond painful arguments and power struggles.
Step One: Mirroring
Listen to your partner without judgment or distorting his thoughts and feelings.
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Tell your partner the message you would like him to hear. The message should start with "I" and describe your feelings.
Example: "I feel hurt when you talk down to me." |
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Your partner then mirrors your message.
Example: "If I got it, you feel hurt when I talk down to you. Did I get it?" |
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If you feel your partner didn’t understand your message, explain again, and have him mirror you until the message is received. |
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Complete the message. If you were heard accurately, your partner says, "Is there more about that?" This helps you complete your feelings and prevents your partner from responding to incomplete messages. |
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When the message is completed, your partner then summarizes all of the message.
Example: "Let me see if I got that…" He should check for accuracy with, "Did I get it all?" |
When your message has been heard accurately, you can then move on to the next step.
Step Two: Validating
It’s not enough just to listen. You must learn to pay close attention in order to "understand your partner’s truth."
| Your partner does not have to agree with your argument to validate it. And in order to validate your message, he needs to use the right language. He should use sentences like this: "You make sense because…" or "I can see what you’re saying…." Using the phrase, "makes sense" may be helpful—it tells you that your partner doesn’t think your feelings are crazy. |
Your partner must make certain that you feel validated before moving on. If you do, move on to the next step.
Step Three: Empathizing
Once the feeling is expressed, it’s time to put yourself in your partner’s shoes.
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Your partner can start the empathy exercise with a statement such as, "I can imagine that you might be feeling…" or "I can see you are feeling…." |
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Since it’s impossible to know exactly what a person feels, your partner should check for accuracy. He should ask "Is that what you’re feeling?" If he didn’t understand the feeling, you should readdress the message. |
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If you share new feelings with you partner upon reiteration, he must mirror those feelings. For example, "Is there more about that feeling?" |
Once your partner has gone through these steps, an extra "gift" helps solidify the discussion.
The Gift
Transform frustration into fulfillment—learn how to change something painful into a "gift."
It’s time to ask your partner for a small, positive request. Start by asking something as simple as, "Right now, can I make a request?"
Example: "Can you come and hug me? Can you say a kind word to me?" Your partner should comply.
Keep working at giving each other "gifts" until a shift occurs and you can see your partner without judgment.
"Once couples can rely on these gifts, the safety arena will go up and the defensive barriers go down," Dr. Hendrix says.
When you are finished with your intentional dialogue, reverse roles. You are now the receiver of your partner’s feelings and should start with the mirroring exercise. With practice, you are on your way to the marriage of your dreams!
