-=the daily grind=-

I have this poem in my journal –

WORDS Anne Sexton. 1928-1974. American. Anne Sexton is one of my favourite poets. She struggled with the big questions. She won the Pulitzer prize. Like Sylvia Plath, she committed suicide. Be careful of words, even the miraculous ones. For the miraculous ones we do our best, sometimes they swarm like insects and leave not a sting but a kiss. They can be good as fingers. They can be trusty as the rock you stick your bottom on. But they can be both daisies and bruises. Yet I am in love with words. They are doves falling out of the ceiling. They are six holy oranges sitting in my lap. They are the trees, the legs of summer, and the sun, its passionate face. Yet often they fail me. I have so much I want to say, so many stories, images, proverbs, etc. But the words aren’t good enough, the wrong ones kiss me. Sometimes I fly like an eagle but with the wings of a wren. But I try to take care and be gentle to them. Words and eggs must be handled with care. Once broken they are impossible things to repair.

___________________________

What is selfishness to you now? The concept has evolved into so many meanings for me over the years. Now it is this — making another promise me something involving the rest of his life. If he’s worth anything he’ll keep the promise. And so later on, there’s an inviolable space in his life reserved, credited to you and the promise he made to you.

What makes you sad? Reading the early sections of a compilation of words.

Here’s another poem –

ATLAS This is a favourite poem of mine – well if would be, because I am a Virgo. U A Fanthorpe – old, but still alive and still writing. –Jeanette Winterson There is a kind of love called maintenance Which stores the WD40 and knows when to use it Which checks the insurance, and doesn’t forget The milkman; which remembers to plant bulbs; Which answers letters; which knows the way The money goes; which deals with dentists And Road Fund Tax and meeting trains, And postcards to the lonely; which upholds The permanently rickety elaborate Structures of living, which is Atlas. And maintenance is the sensible side of love, Which knows what time and weather are doing To my brickwork; insulates my faulty wiring; Laughs at my dryrotten jokes; remembers My need for gloss and grouting; which keeps My suspect edifice upright in air, As Atlas did the sky.

__________________________

Keeping a promise is maintenance. There.

Intentional Dialogue Exercise: The Steps

According to marriage therapist Dr. Harville Hendrix, there are three basic steps to achieving healthy communication, plus an extra "gift" that will really strengthen your dialogue. Learn the crucial communication technique that helps couples move beyond painful arguments and power struggles.

Step One: Mirroring
Listen to your partner without judgment or distorting his thoughts and feelings.

	Tell your partner the message you would like him to hear. The message should start with "I" and describe your feelings. Example: "I feel hurt when you talk down to me."
	Your partner then mirrors your message. Example: "If I got it, you feel hurt when I talk down to you. Did I get it?"
	If you feel your partner didn’t understand your message, explain again, and have him mirror you until the message is received.
	Complete the message. If you were heard accurately, your partner says, "Is there more about that?" This helps you complete your feelings and prevents your partner from responding to incomplete messages.
	When the message is completed, your partner then summarizes all of the message. Example: "Let me see if I got that…" He should check for accuracy with, "Did I get it all?"

When your message has been heard accurately, you can then move on to the next step.

Step Two: Validating
It’s not enough just to listen. You must learn to pay close attention in order to "understand your partner’s truth."

Your partner must make certain that you feel validated before moving on. If you do, move on to the next step.

Step Three: Empathizing
Once the feeling is expressed, it’s time to put yourself in your partner’s shoes.

	Your partner can start the empathy exercise with a statement such as, "I can imagine that you might be feeling…" or "I can see you are feeling…."
	Since it’s impossible to know exactly what a person feels, your partner should check for accuracy. He should ask "Is that what you’re feeling?" If he didn’t understand the feeling, you should readdress the message.
	If you share new feelings with you partner upon reiteration, he must mirror those feelings. For example, "Is there more about that feeling?"

Once your partner has gone through these steps, an extra "gift" helps solidify the discussion.

The Gift
Transform frustration into fulfillment—learn how to change something painful into a "gift."

It’s time to ask your partner for a small, positive request. Start by asking something as simple as, "Right now, can I make a request?"

Example: "Can you come and hug me? Can you say a kind word to me?" Your partner should comply.

Keep working at giving each other "gifts" until a shift occurs and you can see your partner without judgment.

"Once couples can rely on these gifts, the safety arena will go up and the defensive barriers go down," Dr. Hendrix says.

When you are finished with your intentional dialogue, reverse roles. You are now the receiver of your partner’s feelings and should start with the mirroring exercise. With practice, you are on your way to the marriage of your dreams!

Sexual Energy: Feel the Heat

Catherine Zeta-Jones’s take-no-prisoners oomph. George Clooney’s let’s-do-it eyes. Hugh Grant’s crooked smile. Halle Berry’s everything. It’s exhausting to think that we have to measure up to all that exceptional, multimagnified sex appeal. All of it so inaccessible, so expensive and so impossible.

Any sensible woman would conclude that you might as well pull up your faded comforter, grab some chocolate, and give up the idea of anybody ever finding you irresistible. Instead, try this advice on for size:

Be Yourself: Irresistible.

Consider that being irresistible is more a matter of interest and appetite than of anything else. You can forget about becoming everyone’s physical ideal. Everyone has their preferences, their weaknesses and even their hang-ups (even this author). There’s nothing you can do about that. If he’s mad for tall blondes and you’re a short brunette, don’t rush out for Clairol and three-inch heels. There’s a better way. And forget about miniskirts (unless they look not only good but effortless on you). Irresistible is something else. It transcends the physical, it plays fast and loose with the psychological, and it makes the world a bigger, more entertaining, more filled-with-possibilities place.

Own Your Appetites.

And then there’s appetite: The thing women are not supposed to have. You can fake blonde. You can fake tan. You can even fake sexy—for a while. What you can’t fake is the real and unmistakable scent and feel of someone who actually likes…sex. Who would you rather have dinner with: the flour-fearing vegan or the happy omnivore who looks on dessert as a special occasion, not a torment? So it is with sex. Shame, guilt and aversion are not attractive to most people. Confidence and an adult appreciation of pleasure—and of the amazing human machine, which despite imperfections and wear and tear, can do such a glorious job of delivering it—is appealing. People who know that and show that they do are simply irresistible.

Let Your Warmth Shine Through.

The heart of sexual energy is making others feel beautiful, wanted, clever, charming, making them see themselves in the warm, pink light of our unembarrassed attention and allowing some of the flattering light to fall on ourselves, our strong points and our frank interest. It isn’t the tenacious, almost hostile, approach of the lonely man or woman who is only a step away from turning on us if we disappoint. It isn’t breaking up marriages or insulting one’s spouse. It is embracing the world and the people in it; it is embracing desire and attraction as sources of pleasure rather than shame, and appreciating what we have to offer as well as what they, the lucky objects of our desire, do.

From the July 2003 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine.