Remembering What You’ve Always Known
Easter, the most important celebration in the Catholic Faith. It is when Christ conquered death and sin, rose again after being crucified for humankind. But sinful as we all are, I think Christ dies everyday. And everyday, because of His sacrifice, we have the chance to turn our backs on our old ways, and become new. Better. Kinder. More loving.
In college I was asked to speak in a Days retreat by my batchmate. It was her turn to be mommy to the Dazers, I couldn’t say no. On my way there, it was held in that building behind Eliazo and Cervini, I try guessing what they would ask me to talk about. The exercise proved futile because I could not have guessed in a million years it would be about being "the girl with a mission". Huwhat. Was. I. Going. To. Say.
Mission.(mish’un), n. 1. the act of sending or state of being sent for a particular purpose. 2. a diplomatic establishment in a foreign country. 3. a body of missionaries. 4. its headquarters. 5. a force of specialists, scientists, etc. sent to a foreign country. 6. the special duty of such a force. 7. one’s calling in life. I had particular difficulty with definition 7.
They give me maybe 15 minutes to mull over what to say, which wasn’t much help because I later found myself revising my mental outline even as I was already speaking. So I introduce myself, talk about how knowing Him, or attempting everyday to know his will, has shaped my life, how to live is to suffer, and how everything in life is pulled together with and by a purpose. One’s purpose need not be grand or ambitious, but it should be carefully thought of, weighed and considered. I keep talking, they keep staring, and then an eternity later I hear myself saying "and so after 17 years of living my life, I have come to the decision that my purpose is…um…(hand tucks hair behind ear)…to love. To love the best way possible. To hold nothing back. To appreciate every person in my life and to love them the best way I can." And this was without Philo yet.
17 is far from being The Ripe Old Age. Years pass, days come and go, people say hello and goodbye. Through it all, especially in sepia afternoons, my mind returns to that one afternoon I got It, when at 17, in one brief shining gloroius moment, I knew the truth and was not afraid to stand, and in that case indian-sit, in its light.
In one of our recent late-night talks on the phone Eunice asks me, "Marie, what are you so afraid of?" What nga ba. The last time I wrote a letter (handwritten in fancy stationery), it was to somebody completely undeserving of its contents. Among the things I wrote was a request that this person be patient with me, please. Weeks later the person is permanently retired from my sphere of existence, well except when this person’s inanities are repeated for a laugh or two among my friends. Obviously, the request went unheaded. Add to that the daily blows you must endure for living — disappointment, disillusionment, disbelief. All the "whys" and "why me’s" pile one on top the other, until the day you find yourself incapable of asking "why not". Bakit nga ba why not. I have been a fool for lesser things.
Over coffee and codals the Fairy Cat told me people don’t really change. They only become more of themselves over time. According to the Big Birthday Book, I was born on the day of Abandon. The description puts any flower-power child to shame. At what instance did I cease being free-spirited, or just free for that matter? At what point did overanalysis rule not just my mind but also my heart? When will it end?
Christ’s life here on earth was peppered with miracles, all of them spectacular. Our lives are a stage for miracles too. We see them most clearly when we believe in Him and in the pieces of Him in everyone. Count realizations as miracles. To know who we were, to know who we are, to become who we’ve always been meant to be. When there’s a storm at sea, our options are not only to sink or swim. We too can walk on water like He did, yes we can.
And I am.
And he’s right beside me.
Happy Easter everyone. 
