-=the daily grind=-

"We do not rest satisfied with the present. We anticipate the future as too slow in coming, as it in order to hasten its course; or we recall the past, to stop its too rapid flight. So imprudent are we that we wander in times which are not ours, and do not think of the only one which belongs to us; and so idle are we that we dream at those times which are no more, and thoughtlessly overlook that which alone exists. For the present is generally painful to us. We conceal it from our sight because it troubles us; and if it be delightful to us, we regret to see it pass away. We try to sustain it by the future, and think of arranging matters which are not in our power, for a time which we have no certainty of reaching.

Let each one examine his thoughts, and he will find them all occupied with the past, and the future. We scarcely ever think of the present; and if we think of it, it is only to take light from it to arrange the future. The present is never our end. The past and present are our means; the future alone is our end. So we never live, but we hope to live; and, as we are always preparing to be happy, it is inevitable we should never be so."

– Pascal, Pensees –

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The other day as I waited for my boss to finish a phone call, I browsed through a book of his on the shelf beside his table. I forget the title now but I read the random page I opened it to and in it the author was discussing how important it is to choose your friends, and how equally important it is to choose your enemies. Make sure the enemy is respectable, that he stands for something, that he is not petty nor shallow nor immature, because to a considerable degree, who you are is reflected on who you disagree with, or whose guts you hate. Minutes later somebody whose feathers I ruffled weeks ago comes in, sees me, and doesn’t acknowledge. Sayang. I’ve always been fond of this person pa naman. I think to myself, you are not my enemy. No.

If you wish to drown, do not torture yourself with shallow water.

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All of sudden I see, "almost" isn’t such a good word.

Easter, the most important celebration in the Catholic Faith. It is when Christ conquered death and sin, rose again after being crucified for humankind. But sinful as we all are, I think Christ dies everyday. And everyday, because of His sacrifice, we have the chance to turn our backs on our old ways, and become new. Better. Kinder. More loving.

In college I was asked to speak in a Days retreat by my batchmate. It was her turn to be mommy to the Dazers, I couldn’t say no. On my way there, it was held in that building behind Eliazo and Cervini, I try guessing what they would ask me to talk about. The exercise proved futile because I could not have guessed in a million years it would be about being "the girl with a mission". Huwhat. Was. I. Going. To. Say.

         Mission.(mish’un), n. 1. the act of sending or state of being sent for a  particular purpose. 2. a diplomatic establishment in a foreign country. 3. a body of missionaries. 4. its headquarters. 5. a force of specialists, scientists, etc. sent to a foreign country. 6. the special duty of such a force. 7. one’s calling in life. I had particular difficulty with definition 7.

They give me maybe 15 minutes to mull over what to say, which wasn’t much help because I later found myself revising my mental outline even as I was already speaking. So I introduce myself, talk about how knowing Him, or attempting everyday to know his will, has shaped my life, how to live is to suffer, and how everything in life is pulled together with and by a purpose. One’s purpose need not be grand or ambitious, but it should be carefully thought of, weighed and considered. I keep talking, they keep staring, and then an eternity later I hear myself saying "and so after 17 years of living my life, I have come to the decision that my purpose is…um…(hand tucks hair behind ear)…to love. To love the best way possible. To hold nothing back. To appreciate every person in my life and to love them the best way I can." And this was without Philo yet.

17 is far from being The Ripe Old Age. Years pass, days come and go, people say hello and goodbye. Through it all, especially in sepia afternoons, my mind returns to that one afternoon I got It, when at 17, in one brief shining gloroius moment, I knew the truth and was not afraid to stand, and in that case indian-sit, in its light.

In one of our recent late-night talks on the phone Eunice asks me, "Marie, what are you so afraid of?" What nga ba. The last time I wrote a letter (handwritten in fancy stationery), it was to somebody completely undeserving of its contents. Among the things I wrote was a request that this person be patient with me, please. Weeks later the person is permanently retired from my sphere of existence, well except when this person’s inanities are repeated for a laugh or two among my friends. Obviously, the request went unheaded. Add to that the daily blows you must endure for living — disappointment, disillusionment, disbelief. All the "whys" and "why me’s" pile one on top the other, until the day you find yourself incapable of asking "why not". Bakit nga ba why not. I have been a fool for lesser things.

Over coffee and codals the Fairy Cat told me people don’t really change. They only become more of themselves over time. According to the Big Birthday Book, I was born on the day of Abandon. The description puts any flower-power child to shame. At what instance did I cease being free-spirited, or just free for that matter? At what point did overanalysis rule not just my mind but also my heart? When will it end?

Christ’s life here on earth was peppered with miracles, all of them spectacular. Our lives are a stage for miracles too. We see them most clearly when we believe in Him and in the pieces of Him in everyone. Count realizations as miracles. To know who we were, to know who we are, to become who we’ve always been meant to be. When there’s a storm at sea, our options are not only to sink or swim. We too can walk on water like He did, yes we can.

And I am.

And he’s right beside me.

Happy Easter everyone.

I am now done with the school year, academics. Had my final final Thursday last week, Corpo. The verdict — the same as every year: it could’ve been better, I could’ve tried harder but then, it’s not totally bad. Things could be worse. One day I’ll wake up and finally decide to apply myself in every aspect of my life for everyday that I live it. May that day come soon.

You know how when something bad happens to you all of a sudden you see clearly the things that matter, and how you, as a person have power over them and over yourself. Well, the long and short of it is that I am very thankful I went to UP — it’s about time I immersed myself in the real world. I am thankful for my barkada — they are the best, and even when we piss each other off sometimes, we never lose respect for each other, and we see each other in the best light in spite of circumstances and the current state of internal affairs. I am thankful for Papa — everyday he shows me what unconditional love is. It’s his birthday by the way. I am thankful for Mommy — she has prepared me to deal with life the best way she knows how, how to deal with people who think they are always right, and dammit, family’s family, there’s nothing we can do about it. I am thankful for the colorful people in law school — I have become resilient because of you. I am thankful I took law — the hardest things are the most worthwhile to do, it builds character. And most of all, I am thankful of how my life has turned/is turning out. And that I have power over it. And that most things in life are a decision.

And that’s the year end report for AY 2005-06.