Belated Birthday Diaries, Part 2
First off, sorry for the screwed up font in my past entries. I cannot format the damn things.
Second, thanks for the comments. They have given me much comfort.
Tomorrow is the start of school and I am still in denial. I’d like to think school starts next week (in UP’s case this might ring true…I highly doubt the profs will show up tomorrow BUT the sucky thing is I still have to study for when they do). This is much like my life where I have bouts of escapism and periods of suspended disbelief (read: disillusionment and warped sense of reality). My name is Marie Montecer and I am an escapist. I have always wondered when life will start. You know how it is when you say "when I grow up I’ll be…I want…"? Well, I still say that and it is hard for me to swallow that I am finally in the point of being grown up, that NOW’s the time to realize those dreams.
There is a death that comes with knowledge. In the book of Ecclesiastes (yes, I do read the Bible), there is a passage that says, and I’m paraphrasing, with much wisdom comes much sorrow. Truly, happiness is for the ignorant. It is very difficult now to see the world and people as all shiny, good and true. Oftentimes I catch myself thinking the worst of every situation and of every other person I meet. Nobody is perfect. We all have skeletons in our closet, it’s just a matter of when the whole world finds out. It’ll never turn out as I hoped because let’s face it, I am just another face in the crowd so why should the universe make exceptions for me? The word does not owe me any favors. Yes, I am Marie Montecer and I am a fatalist.
It has come to a point that the mere getting up in the morning is courage. It takes guts to come to class and sit through a lecture; it takes chuztpah to come to school and face the music, knowing full well that it’s too late to turn things around and that you have already been graded even before you’ve opened you mouth to recite. And all of it…well, almost all of it, is based on impression, which to me is just a euphemism for bias(es). Everyday I am drowned by that little voice inside my head whispering "You can’t do it", by the system, by people who do not deserve an ounce of my respect, by second-handers, by know-it-alls, by know-nothings, by the sheep, by the fighters, and the list goes on and on and on and on.
Life is a dare, and you have to WANT what you want. Nothing about it can be half-baked because I can’t have half a life or a life half lived. In Philo our teacher once said that to love it to gamble; ang pag-ibig ay pagtataya. Well, to live is to gamble and all the ante we have is ourselves. As my roomy Sandy once told me, "kampihan mo ang sarili mo kasi kung hindi, ano pang meron ka?" It is all in the mind. Think Lambert, the sheepish lion. As the Fuzzy said, "We’re lions Smelly. We just forget."
