Archive for December, 2005

Belated Birthday Diaries, part 1

Tuesday, December 27th, 2005

From "Chasing Amy" —

Alyssa: Why are we stopping?
Holden: Because I can’t take this.
Alyssa: Can’t take what?
Holden: I love you.
Alyssa: You love me?
Holden: I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we’re great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I’m sure that’s what you’ll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can’t take this anymore. I can’t stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can’t, I can’t look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can’t talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, because I’ve never felt this way before, and I don’t care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can’t hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn’t allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I’ll accept that. But I know… I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. All I ask, please, is that you just, you just not dismiss that - and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn’t another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I’m with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can’t deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I’m forever changed because of who you are and what you’ve meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I’d never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.

_________________________________

Holden: It’s not who you love, it’s how. 

    

     On the Monday of the week of my birthday, a friend, over lunch, asked me how I felt about turning 23. After the initial shock of realizing he was serious, and that it was a topic to be discussed over longganisa and pork chop, I steadily replied that it was mostly, for me, a sad occasion because frankly, I think I stopped growing at 17. Everything I had to learn, I learned by 17. The next day, a blockmate of mine asked how Thursday that week would go for me since it will be my *birthday*. I told him the same thing I told my friend over lunch the day before. It’s a sad occasion because there’s really nothing new for me to do, nothing new for me to learn. My blockmate jerked his head up from the book it was buried in and vehemently uttered, "Of course not. Ano ba! Feeling mo lang yon noh. You are always growing. You deal with some things differently, better, than you did years ago." And with that I turned around and resumed my last-minute reading before the prof entered the classroom.

     As the late great Aaliyah had sung, age ain’t nothing but a number. Being the youngest in the family (a menopause baby at that) and having had my fair share of age discrimination ("You’re too young to know what you are talking about", "You should have been born earlier", etc…) I have always believed this to be true. Just because a person is old(er), does not mean he’s wiser, or has riped into being more…human. The mind and the heart age not like the body, and a few gray hairs are not a passport to success, recognition and even plain, old respect. If it were just a matter of having years added to one’s age, then everything would be much simpler. It’s just that custom and the law have made a presumption that once you turn 18 or 21, then you can be on your own, make tough decisions, drink and have the money to pay for cocktails, support yourself and get a job that doesn’t involve making your bed in the morning and alphabetizing your CD collection. But it is just a presumption. Actual life says otherwise.

     I am now 23. I’m still in school. My dad still gives me weekly allowance and pays for well, everything. I may have a credit card (but it’s an extension — my dad still pays the charges at the end of the month), and ATM card (but pa deposits money to it when I’m running low on the funds, which is about twice a month), my scholar’s tuition (go UP!) is paid for by my dad, the dorm during the school week, book allowance, hair allowance, derma…the list is endless. I tried getting a job but there’s still nothing official about it. I have had 2 relationships (I’m being kind. It’s one when I’m trying to be factual and zero when I need a Prozac refill, but this topic is an entirely different one altogether — my having 2 relationships, not the Prozac — but I’m rambling). I have had the same hairstyle for 3 years now because my hair refuses to grow longer after it reaches a certain length. The long and short of it is that for the most part of the latter part of my existence (the past year) I have become bored, and maybe even *gulp* boring. The grass is greener on the other side and god help me, for me it seems to be TRUE.

     I love movies from the 80’s and early 90’s because of their (predictable) plots. Girl meet guy, one is from the wrong side of the tracks (or lesbian as in Chasing Amy), they fall in love, and the world be damned, they live happily ever after, inpsite of the hostile rich parents or the discouraging poor parents or the criticism of the school posse, or the outrageously mangy prom dress. The protagonists get what they want because they want it bad enough (for the most part they aim for undying love and the kiss that never ends — okay, save for Chasing Amy because the girl IS lesbian after all but the ending does hold a little promise). But the message of the movies is "if you want it, you can have it", and I have not felt like that for the longest time. Could it be that the idealist in me has died?

      

    

On Sex

Thursday, December 22nd, 2005

“Did it ever occur to you that it’s the same issue? The men who think that wealth comes from material resources and has no intellectual root or meaning, are the men who think—for the same reason—that sex is a physical capacity which functions independently of one’s mind, choice or code of values. They think that your body creates a desire and makes a choice for you just about in some such way as if iron ore transformed itself into railroad rails of its own volition. Love is blind, they say; sex is impervious to reason and mocks the power of all philosophers. But, in fact, a man’s sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions. Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy of life. Show me the woman he sleeps with and I will tell you his valuation of himself. No matter what corruption he’s taught about the virtue of selflessness, sex is most profoundly selfish of all acts, an act which he cannot perform for any motive but his own enjoyment—just try to think of performing it in a spirit of selfless charity!—an act which is not possible in self-abasement, only in self-exaltation, only in the confidence of being desired and being worthy of desire. It is an act that forces him to stand naked in spirit, as well as in body, and to accept his real ego as his standard of value. He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience—or to fake—a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own value, will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer—because only the possession of  a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement, not the possession of a brainless slut. He does not seek to…What’s the matter?” he asked, seeing the look on Rearden’s face, a look of intensity much beyond mere interest in an abstract discussion.

               “Go on,” said Rearden tensely.

                “He does not seek to gain his value, he seeks to express it. There is no conflict between the standards of his mind and the desires of his body. But the man who is convinced of his own worthlessness will be drawn to a woman he despises—because she will reflect his own secret self, she will release him from that objective reality in which he is a fraud, she will give him a momentary illusion of his won value and a momentary escape from the moral code that damns him. Observe the ugly mess which most men make of their sex lives—and observe the mess of contradictions which they hold as their moral philosophy. One proceeds from the other. Love is our response to our highest values—and can be nothing else. Let a man corrupt his values and his view of existence, let him profess that love is not self-enjoyment but self-denial, that virtue consists, not of pride, but of pity or pain or weakness or sacrifice, that the noblest of love is born, not of admiration, but of charity, not in response to values, but in response to flaws—and he will have cut himself in two. His body will not obey him, it will not respond, it will make him impotent toward the woman he professes to love and draw him to the lowest type of whore he can find. His body will always follow the ultimate logic of his deepest convictions; if he believes that flaws are values, he has damned existence as evil and only the evil will attract him. He has damned himself and he will feel that depravity is all he is worthy of enjoying. He has equated virtue with pain and he will feel that vice is the only realm of pleasure. Then he will scream that his body has vicious desires of its own which his mind cannot conquer, that sex is sin, that true love is a pure emotion of the spirit. And then he will wonder why love brings him nothing but boredom, and sex—nothing but shame.”

                Rearden said slowly, looking off, not realizing that he was thinking aloud, “At least…I’ve never accepted that other tenet…I’ve never felt guilty about making money.”

                Francisco missed the significance of the first two words; he smiled and said eagerly, “You do see that it’s the same issue? No, you’d never accept any part of their vicious creed. You wouldn’t be able to force it upon yourself. If you tried to damn sex as evil, you’d still find yourself, against your will, acting on the proper moral premise. You’d be attracted to the highest woman you met. You’d always want a heroine. You’d be incapable of self-contempt. You’d be unable to believe that existence is evil and that you’re a helpless creature caught in an impossible universe. You’re the man who’s spent his life shaping matter to the purpose of his mind. You’re the man who would know that just as an idea unexpressed in physical action is contemptible hypocrisy, so is platonic love—and just as physical action unguided by an idea is a fool’s self-fraud, so is sex when cut off from one’s code of values. It’s the same issue, and you would know it. Your inviolate sense of self-esteem would know it. You would be incapable of desire for a woman you despised. Only the man who extols the purity of love devoid of desire, is capable of the depravity of a desire devoid of love. But observe that most people are creatures cut in half who keep swinging desperately to side of to the other. One kind of half is the man who despises money, factories, skyscrapers and his own body. He holds undefined emotions about non-conceivable subjects as the meaning of life and as his claim to virtue. And he cries with despair, because he can feel nothing for the woman he respects, but finds himself in bondage to an irresistible passion for a slut from the gutter. He is the man whom people call an idealist. The other kind of half is the man whom people call practical, the man who despises principles, abstractions, art, philosophy and his own mind. He regards the acquisition of material objects as the only goal of existence—and laughs at the need to consider their purpose or their source. He expects them to give him pleasure—and he wonders why the more he gets, the less he feels. He is the man who spends his time chasing women. Observe the triple fraud which he perpetrates upon himself. He will not acknowledge his need of self-esteem, since he scoffs at such a concept as moral values; yet he feels the profound self-contempt which comes from believing that he is a piece of meat. He will not acknowledge, but he knows that sex is the physical expression of a tribute to personal values. So he tries, by going through the motions of the effect, to acquire that which should have been the cause. He tries to gain a sense of his won value from the women who surrender to him—and he forgets that the women he picks have neither character nor judgment nor standard of value. He tells himself that all he’s after is physical pleasure—but observe that he tires of his women in a week or a night, that he despises professional whores and that he loves to imagine he is seducing virtuous girls who make a great exception for his sake. It is the feeling of achievement that he seeks and never finds. What glory can there be in the conquest of a mindless body? Now that is your woman-chaser. Does that description fit me?”

– Atlas Shrugged, AYN RAND –